


La Douleur Exiquise

by minzy_woogyu



Category: Infinite (Band), KIm Sunggyu - Fandom, Nam Woohyun - Fandom, Woogyu - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:25:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10820832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minzy_woogyu/pseuds/minzy_woogyu
Summary: La Douleur Exiquise: The heart-wrenching pain of wanting affection of someone unattainable.





	La Douleur Exiquise

Today Sunggyu had finally dared to hold the guitar in his hands again. It had been ages since he had touched that beautiful instrument, which, once upon a time was his life.  
He bends down and picks up his guitar from the storage room which he had once thrown away in a fit of anger. He blows away the dust accumulated on the guitar. Memories rush through his mind and involuntarily his eyes brim with tears while his lips curve into a smile. He realizes that the memories he was trying to erase were actually beautiful and instead of distressing over them, he should be treasuring them. He decides that he won't hide in the darkness anymore, he will face the truth with an open-heart.

***

"Gyu? Where are you going?" Dongwoo asks from the couch on seeing Sunggyu walk out of his room, all fresh and clean.  
"To meet Woohyun" Sunggyu replies easily.  
Dongwoo shifts his gaze and looks into his best-friend's eyes. He dreads to find any hint of aversion or emptiness in it. The moment he looks into the dark orbs, he finds it filled with hopes, expectations and few other positive emotions that had been absent for a quite time now.  
Dongwoo's tensed expression softens and he gives him an angelic smile "That's a good decision Gyu. It's going to make him happy."  
Sunggyu nods "Instead of inflicting pain on both of us, I should have done this earlier, right? I'm stupid, am not I?" he says with a light chuckle while tying up his laces.  
Dongwoo gets up from the sofa and walks to his best-friend "It's better late than never."  
Sunggyu lifts his head and gives him a sad smile.  
The moment Sunggyu gets up from his crouched position, Dongwoo engulfs him into a hug "I'm proud of you Gyu" there's a tremble in Dongwoo's voice which makes Sunggyu feel guilty.  
He returns the hug with a pat on the other's back "Thanks Dongwoo, thanks for always being there by my side" he hears a sniffle against his shoulder "Yah Paboya, don't ruin this shirt" he scolds him playfully "It's Woohyun's favourite shirt" he says while rubbing his best friend's back.  
Dongwoo retracts from the hug and nods with a small laugh. He wipes his eyes with the knuckles of his index finger.  
"Ok then; I'll be going. And yes, stop wasting your time on those stupid dramas."  
"Yeah, yeah. Now go" Dongwoo replies with another sniffle.  
Soon enough Sunggyu finds himself walking on the snowy streets of Seoul with a destination in his mind. How long had it been since he finally walked out from his self-made cocoon?  
It seems it had been quite long. Because the last time he was out here; the leaves were in the state of changing their colours and the aroma of apple and fresh pears along the market steet was strong, while now the market was full of knitted mits and hot street side foods which managed to attract many customers.  
Winters were the favourite season of couples. It gave them a reason for some public display of affection for example- sticking close to each other for protecting their lovers from the harsh cold.  
Sunggyu watches the couples passing by him with a knowing gaze.  
Couples around his age were considerate towards the public and didn't show much skinship whereas the teenagers were shamelessly all over each other. Hormones, Sunggyu thinks. A smile crosses his face when his mind plays that beautiful moment, where he had his special someone so very close to him.

~

  
"H-hyung, what are you doing?" Woohyun asks, a bit flustered by Sunggyu's action.  
"Keeping you warm?" Sunggyu answers nonchalantly as he brings the others hands into his sweater's pocket and entwines it with his own. He loves the blush that blooms across the other's cheeks.  
"People might take a wrong a-assumption" Woohyun whispers and bites his lower lip.  
"Does it matter to you Woohyun-ah?" Sunggyu asks softly. Woohyun shakes his head with his gaze fixed on the ground.  
"Then it's not a problem. Your hands were freezing" Sunggyu reasons, which actually was the truth.

  
~

Shivers run down his body as several memories fill his head.  
He fastens his steps in order to reach his destination as soon as possible.

***

 

"How are you Hyun?" he asks with a meek voice.  
"Happy"  
Sunggyu gulps down thickly.  
"Hyung?"  
He hums for him to continue  
"Can you sing that song at least today for me; the one that you wrote for me?"  
For a moment Sunggyu is speechless "H-how do you know?"  
"I know everything Hyung."

And so he clears his voice and starts humming the starting melody. The scenes play through his mind, as if the whole ordeal had just happened yesterday.

  
_Picking up my old guitar,_  
 _The confession that I couldn’t make_  
 _Pretending I made one song, I’m about to tell_  
 _Just listen, I’ll sing for you_

"Woohyun-ah can you come to Hyung's concert today?"  
"But hyung, dad?"  
"Don't worry I'll get his permission for you, but promise me that you won't miss my today's concert?"  
Woohyun puts his right hand forward and makes a pinky promise with Sunggyu.

_I love you a lot but I don’t say the words,_   
_It’s awkward that pride doesn’t allow me_   
_Today I will take courage and tell you, but just_   
_Listen to it carelessly, I’ll sing for you_

That evening before the concert, Sunggyu's bandmates calm him down from his nervousness and asure him that Woohyun would surely be present in the crowd.  
He did get successful in convincing Woohyun's dad after several hours of pleading but he was still doubtful. Throughout the concert, his gaze roams around the crowd of people who were cheering for them. He becomes restless as the concert nears it end and yet he couldn't spot him. Tonight he had planned to dedicate his self-composed song to his special person. But that special person was no where to be seen; atleast from his view.

  
_The way you cry, the way you smile_   
_I wonder how much they mean to me_   
_The words I want to say, but missed the chance_   
_I will confess but just listen,_   
_I’ll sing for you, sing for you_   
_Just listen once and smile._

Heartbeats frantic and palms sweaty, he dares to call Woohyun on the stage, still unsure whether the called one was present in the crowd or not. When he does so, 4 people named Woohyun walk onto the stage. Among the 4, none of them was Nam Woohyun.  
To not disappoint his fans, he holds a surprise event for the 4 people. When the other fans whine in disappointment, all he says is "That name is a special one."

_It’s a bit funny to me, although you’re everything_   
_To me, sometimes I am no better than a stranger_   
_Actually I want to rub my hair_   
_And be hugged in your arms_

After the concert, the first thing he does was -calling Woohyun.  
Woohyun answers after the third ring "I-I'm so sorry" a long intake of breath "hyung" Woohyun's voice strangely came out very strained, as if speaking was a difficult task.  
"Hyun? Where are you?" he asks, worried.  
"Sorry I couldn't make it" Woohyun replies instead.  
"Hyun where are you?" Sunggyu repeats his question, panic rising in him.  
"Its s-so dark here, hyung I'm sca" again a long intake of breath "scared."  
"Hyun please tell me where are you baby" asks Sunggyu, his heart beating anxiously against his ribcage "Around your house? Near the concert place?"  
"Somewhere behind the backstage. I, I don't know hyung" comes a meek reply.

_The way you cry, the way you smile_   
_I wonder how much they mean to me_   
_The words that I regretted when I looked back_   
_I will appologize but just listen,_   
_I will sing for you, sing for you_

"Hyung, its hard to breathe."  
"Hyun, please, please, please be safe" he sobs into the cell while running here and there frantically "Hyung will find you very soon so please be safe baby" he says in a trembling voice.  
"Come soon hyung, I-I'm feeling cold"  
"Hyun!" he shouts in the darkness of the forest-like place "Could you hear my voice when I shouted Hyun?" he says into the mobile.  
"Very clo-se. Hyung I'm feeling slee-sleepy."  
"Hyun please stay awake for me."  
"Hmm"  
"Hyun" he cries helplessly while trying to look through the darkness.  
Everyday I am thankful that you are with me  
My gift that God gave to me  
After today, I might act awkward again  
But today I really want to say  
So listen just casually

He reaches Woohyun but it was too late. Woohyun was lying on the ground with blood flowing out of his stomach. Lifeless.  
He wants to cry but it seems worthless now. The mixed emotion of guilt, loss, despair, regret flood inside him and make his heart constrict in pain. He walks closer to him and falls to his knees. Bringing the lifeless head onto his lap he starts caressing his hair.  
"Woohyun-ah, you bad boy, didn't hyung ask you stay awake?" he whispers. The lump in his throat making his voice hoarse. "Why Hyun? Why?"  
Getting silence as his reply, it hits him. Hits him hard like a rock. His Woohyun left him. Not to a place where he could woo him to return back. He went to a place where returning could never be an option.  
He really wished that his Woohyun could return. Return back and pester him to teach him new notes of piano. Return back and ask him to stay by his side during rainy nights, becuase "Hyung, thunders are very scary and I feel lonely".  
But Woohyun was not going to return how-much-ever the prideful Sunggyu pleads him to. He wouldn't be returning to listen to Sunggyu's confession.  
Throwing his head back, he screams loudly.

_The way you cry, the way you smile_   
_I wonder how much they mean to me._   
_The words I want to say, but missed the chance_   
_I will confess and it’s a bit awkward, but_   
_Just listen I will sing for you, sing for you_   
_Just listen, I will sing for you_

The last wordings come out totally broken. Tears keep running down his cheeks and his breathing rate shallows.  
He lets his eyelids open but there's no Woohyun in front fo him. Only the big black tomb facing him.  
It had been 3 years since that beautiful soul had left this cruel place called earth. Sunggyu hoped that he was at least happy up over there.  
He had so many things to tell, to share with the younger.  
"How could you .." he sniffles "you leave me... even before listening to my... confession?"  
Putting his head on the cold surface of the tomb, he lets his mind finally to come in par with the cruel reality. He had shut off his mind the moment Woohyun's dad blamed him for Woohyun’s death.  
And maybe Woohyun’s dad was right. Only if he hadn't invited the younger that night, his Woohyun would have been by his side.  
The police had said that Woohyun was just at a wrong place at a wrong time. His killer was unknown, but the way the bullet had hit him, it was clear that he wasn't the target.  
Sunggyu had become numb after that, blaming himself for the death of 16 year old teen.  
The absence of the younger made him leave his singing. Woohyun was his muse for writing songs and composing new songs. So when his muse left him, he left his singing too.  
To be honest, he was so traumatised by the younger's death that for few months he didn't even speak up to anyone. The regret slowly killing him from inside.  
With the death of the younger, many of his unanswered questioned died too.  
The younger had left him without giving a chance to confess his true feelings. How would have Woohyun reacted to his confession anyway? Would he have turned him down by saying "Hyung, dad will be mad if he got to know" or would he have taken risk and be with him?  
Woohyun's answer wouldn't have had much difference, since he already knew that Woohyun loved him. That he was sure of.  
Woohyun had no one beside his dad and Sunggyu. He was an introvert and wouldn't have talked to Sunggyu too, but god had its own ways of making people meet, right?  
Sunggyu was assigned as a tutor of Woohyun by the younger's dad and was responsible for the Ceo's son's guitar skills. The attraction for each other was mutual right from the first meeting, but their relationship was forbidden in so many ways.  
They were men and men don't love each other. Sunggyu was 26 while Woohyun only 15 and such a age gap was frown upon by the society. Woohyun was from a rich family while Sunggyu was a local band singer and a guitar teacher.  
There were so many reasons why Sunggyu shouldn't have fallen in love with Woohyun but did his heart listen? No. The more he tried to control his feelings, the more deeply he fell in love.  
He doesn't know whether he should be thankful to God that he blessed his life with Woohyun's existence even though it was for a little time or he should be angry instead, because he took away Woohyun from him way earlier than necessary. Of all the people God could have chosen to take away, he selected the boy who meant the world to him.  
God had snatched away so many beautiful things that were supposed to happen between him and Woohyun.  
He had snatched away his opportunity; opportunity to make new memories with Woohyun and treasure them till his death. Opportunity to see Woohyun turn into a successful singer. Opportunity to get a song dedicated to him by the younger, the teen had promised "Hyung, one day when I become famous I'll definitely dedicate a song to you and make my fans jealous of you."  
Someday they would have eventually been together; that he was completely sure of, because "Hyung you know, Nam Woohyun is the peanut butter to hyung's bread."  
But now that Woohyun had left him, the bread was forever going to be tasteless.  
Sunggyu stayed closed up to the world for 3 years but not anymore. Because he had learnt that, not all feelings needed to be reciprocated; some were just good enough by only existing.

  
A mighty pain is to love, but of all pains, the greatest pain is to love someone who cannot even love you back.

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Sing for you by exo.


End file.
